Not (cheap) Chic

I bought Mom jeans.

.

.

.

.

I bought high-waisted tapered jeans.  They even came in a mid-tone wash that was reminiscent of 1985.

There I admitted it.  I may need a little therapy to get through this.

I’m not sure what I was thinking.   No, actually, that is a lie.   I know exactly what I was thinking and I know where it all went wrong.   It went something like this:

  1. Mix a post-partum lack of body image with the most recent issue of InStyle.  Ogle all the tall thin models and celebrities.  Whip into self-loathing

    Ahhh, high waisted skinnies, you look so cute on Ms. 5’10″/size 0/ no hips. I too can pull this off – yes, I can. Really. I must have you.

    .

  2. Bring self-loathing to a low boil.  Continue to simmer each morning as you search through your closet which has nothing (no, the 8 other pairs of jeans don’t count!) for you to wear.  Add a dash of passive aggressiveness by standing in front of the mirror and huffing loudly within ear shot of your husband while partly clothed.  When he has come to a low simmer declare your intent to ‘try something new.’
  3. Pour yourself a drink and crack open the InStyle.
  4. Pick the most difficult look to replicate.
  5. Add children to the car and make your way to the nearest mall.
  6.  Make your way to H&M or F21 or any other store that will sell you cheap garb because as much as you need those high waisted jeans you are a little nervous to commit.
  7. Mix ice cream or popcorn with the children so that they will sit quietly while Mommy shops.  This step should last about 3 minutes.
  8. While children are mixing with treats, estimate your frequently changing pant size and grab a pair of high waisted jeans.
  9. Leave as quickly as possible without trying on jeans.
  10. Once at home try on jeans.
  11. Weep

So now I am the proud owner of these:

A bit hippy but not too bad from the front. But from the back…

Seriously? What was I thinking?

Truthfully I didn’t go as wrong a Jessica Simpson did.  In case you missed the tabloid field day, here is her faux-pas.

So, I’m wondering, what has been your major fashion flub?  Was there a trend that you thought you could pull off?  Have you ever bought an article of clothing only to hate it the next day?  I’d love to know that I am not the only one who has a closet full of clothes that I mildly disdain.

I am off to buy an applique vest to go with my new jeans.  I think I like this one.

You too can own this masterpiece. It’s for sale on Etsy.

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16 thoughts on “Not (cheap) Chic

  1. All you need to do is declare yourself a hipster and call them “ironic”

    First take the “self loathing” off the burner, turn off the stove and dump it into the sink.

    Then take the jeans back to the store and find something that doesn’t make you hate yourself. You have a really cute figure, leave the faux pas to the Jessica Simpsons of the world. And just be grateful you dont have the “toe”

    • Ironic! I like it! It’s funny you should mention that because I threw those jeans on with a pair of Chucks and my husband declared me a hipster. I am the farthest thing from a hipster but I can pretend.

  2. I love highwaisted jeans- I don’t care if they are mom-ish… I’m so glad the super low rider trend is over and my muffin top can be covered up once again!

    • I agree with that completely! Not only do they cover the muffin top but they are comfy. Truthfully the reason I didn’t return my mom jeans is because they are so damn comfortable.

  3. Oh no, accidental Mom jeans! It’s all about the speedy shopping isn’t it? For me, since I don’t like shopping that much, I’ll only go when I really need something and then try to get it as fast as possible. Enter the tight-waisted jeans I’ve now had for 3 years, the kind of purplish-tinged suit and the Fluevog shoes I just had to have that were on sale because each shoe is actually from a different pair and one fits smaller than the other. Sigh. I feel your pain.

    And I agree with J – the self-loathing is only fit for the trash. You’re beautiful.

    • Your wardrobe sounds physically painful! And yes, I will throw the self-loathing in the trash. It is only ever temporary.

  4. O.K., after I stopped laughing at your very funny blog post, I did a purely scientific analysis of both the model’s behind and yours in those jeans. I enlarged both photos and looked at them in an unbiased way. My conclusions: no one’s bum, including size 00 (yes, there is now size double zero, and she is definitely one) fashion model’s bottom, looks great in those jeans! In fact, your bum, having some actual substance, looks BETTER than hers. A confession: I own some Mom jeans, two pairs in fact. The secret to wearing them well is to wear a long loose shirt over them, rather than tucking in the shirt, thus hiding the offending elongation of the buttock area and yet enjoying the comfort. And all the while no one is the wiser. Insidious, yes, but one must survive.

    • Aww. Thank you, Bellacanto. I guess I need to get some long shirts because you’re right, they are so comfortable.

  5. After living in a rural community for a decade and working two years in a hamlet (no, it’s not even big enough to be called a town) I apparently have become fashion-impaired. I actually looked at your butt photo and thought, “I don’t get it. They’re a little high-waisted but um… she makes those look pretty good!”

    I agree with Bellacanto and others that you are about as hot in a pair of Mom jeans as any body can be. But if they make you feel like an old fart then definitely take them back and exchange for something that makes you feel fabulous. (Good advice, Jeanette!)

    I was walking to catch my car pool today and the only other woman on the road was wearing a pair of knee-high black suede wedges, tights, a grey shirt that came down below her bottom so that from a distance it looked like she was wearing short-shorts, and a white jacket that came to just above her waist. She was carrying a huge, yellow boho bag and was talking on a cell phone. I think I realized in that moment how little attention I’d been paying to fashion. She looked perfectly normal but if I’d been asked to put that outfit together I wouldn’t have known where to begin. It made me feel old!

    I “dressed up” a month ago and had four people ask me what the occasion was and another three who squinted at my shoes sceptically. I was wearing a pair of khakis, flat summer shoes, green leafy t-shirt, and a long beige coat. To be fair… most of my colleagues wear overalls or uniforms so I suppose tread-free footwear is indeed rocking the fashionista boundaries.

    • How refreshing and freeing to not think about fashion. You are lucky in many ways to be able to just ‘be’. It made me think about the difference between cities. When I lived in Edmonton I didn’t worry so much about clothes and what I wore. That city is just more laid back. Probably the blue colar industries that dominate Edmonton have some influence. When we came back to Calgary I was shocked by how much people dressed. I felt so out of touch. I recruited my brilliant artist friend to help me find some new clothes. She really pulled me out of my comfort zone but she helped me feel like I blended in Calgary. The crazy thing is that Calgary is still really a backwater in the fashion world. Really all you need here is everyday jeans and ‘dress’ jeans. I guess every city/town/hamlet has a style. I know when we go to Portland I always feel over dressed. People seem to live in yoga wear there.

      • I have different wardrobes for different cities. I was in London this weekend and had to drag out all my crisp shirts and ballet flats and trenchcoats. In Antwerp (when I am not in my pajamas which is more often than it should be), it’s all kamikaze colors and mismatching patterns and 50 year old women with blue nail polish. In New York, I’m pretty sure I dressed too young for my age trying to keep up with my twenty something student friends. And well, all my Bahrain evening gowns and stilettos are going stale now. My husband, he just relies on the same one pair of jeans where ever he is. Just jeans, not straight cut, or bell bottom, or low rise, or mommy style, or trouser, or jegging. Just. Jeans.
        Great post. Great butt. Jeans have always looked bad on me. Too short, too sold, too wide. Give me a skirt any day.

  6. Congratulations on a first! This is the first post I’ve read for the pictures first before the writing! (and no, that’s not a slight on your writing, it’s a compliment on your picture usage!).

    And for the Sugar Mamas to inevitably change topic to that of fashion, and take its own curious, self effacing, others-embracing look at fashion, I also applaud you. So different than the trolling we find elsewhere.

    1. Those jeans look about as great on you as they would on any model.
    2. If you added a few mins hour of photoshop, you too would look the first pic (which in my opinion is of some bowlegged walking eating disorder)
    3. Congrats for shopping in f21 and H&M. Those places are usually so full of teenagers I feel like I’m shopping for my imaginary daughter when I’m in there, or I get looks like, “what’s that cougar doing in here”?

    Two things that come with age and shopping: 1) you are less likely to buy things you know, no matter how hard you try, will just not look good on you; and 2) you see clothing as more of an “investment”. Or maybe that is just me?

    And one question, actually that I’ve wondered about for a while: it seems my closet is overstuffed with clothing for 3 different sized-women: fat me, average me and skinny me. My nicest clothes are the “skinny me” version, which I know I’ve spent about 5% of the last 5 years wearing, the “average me” is where I’ve spent about 75% and the fat me the remainder. My closet looks completely overstuffed but if I took out the different sizes and just had the “average me”, it would look almost acceptable. Right now it is beginning to look like the early signs of Hoarders… anyone else have to struggle with owning 3 or 4 different wardrobes, deepening on weight gain/loss?

    • My skinny me collection is rather small I’m afraid. I’m well stocked on average and above average and well, you can extrapolate onwards. I do hold a few silly items from a time when I was small and young and even though I know I will never ever wear these things in public, I hold onto them for illogical reasons.

      I wish I saw clothes as an investment, and when I worked I did. But you know, now they are just lining my closet like an old life but because they were an investment I feel they have yet to deliver their full return. For me, clothes are like old lives. I’ve got the GS me, all spiffy and bold and grown up and flashy, bahrain me with her glam dresses, an attempt at edgy new york student me (who are we kidding), even a colorful polar fleece section of Canada me. But now, well belgium me is still in a bit of an identity crisis. Mostly cause she’s at home and her dog doesn’t care a whit what she wears.

    • I just can’t be bothered to hold onto clothes. When I lost weight I got rid of all my big clothes. It was kind of a liberating thing. I am not going back – I am not going back!!! Where I do have two wardrobes is the working me and the stay-at-home me. I miss working-me, particularly the way I got to dress when I was working. I have trouble parting with those clothes because they were more of an investment than the jeans and t-shirts that have become my uniform.
      Maybe investment dressing has less to do with age and more to do with work.

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